So What Now?

Yesterday was an upsetting day at the suicide prevention meeting. My therapist was very challenging in her attitude which made me feel even more helpless than I already do. Today, I am feeling like it was meant to challenge me to get out of this funk. Maybe she wasn't being as mean as it felt like she was. I have been suicidal for over a year now, so what I have been doing isn't working. Today I want to come up with some ideas for what I can do today to make my life better. Last night before bed I felt like I had wasted my whole day until I made myself recognize that I had done something other than just exist. I did laundry for one. Yeah I know for most people that is a normal part of life but for me, I wait until I have no other option but to wash clothes or go naked. Usually naked is more preferable anyway, but in this place it isn't an option. So I did do SOMETHING. Now begs the question: what now? What will I do with myself today other than be a stick of furniture at home and dutifully arrive at my doctors appointments on schedule?
I think a list of things may help spur me out of this so here goes.

• I will put in my teeth (not much but it's something)
• I will treat myself to the new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor Sweddy Balls (any of you remember that skit on SNL? OMG hillarious!!)
• I will find out what paperwork I need to fill out to get my divorce for less $$ (ok this one has been on my agenda all week but hasn't been started so I need to do that today)
• I will not berate myself for getting stood up last night in favor of cattle
• I will recite my mantra every time I feel overwhelmed (There is nothing that God and I can't handle today)

ok thats five things. It's a start and even though it doesn't look like it's a lot, some of those things seem almost too lofty for goals, and some of them I may not get accomplished, but I am going to promise myself to TRY to do them all. Since I have an hour before the business offices open up I am going to start with my teeth and leave B&J for on the way home from the dr's. I have 2 appt's today: my MST therapist and my mammogram. joy joy joy.

Update: I got my teeth in and I have called the clerk of courts office and know what paperwork I need to file. I have not yet put myself down for getting stood up, having decided that it isn't important enough to get upset over. so now I just need to remember to keep that in mind if I do get down about it, and practice my mantra and find that B&J. GOOD START ALREADY HUH!

long time no type

i have discovered that sometimes i just don't want to talk. i have also discovered that's those are the worst states of mind for me to be in. lets face it.... sometimes life just sucks. oh well... i have my big girl pants on stand by.
i have had a lot of ups and downs of late. when i am up, i am up above the clouds; but, when i am down, i am six feet under in all but body. my stand up guy and i are engaged to be married. so that explains both conditions. sometimes i feel like he is just working me up for a huge fall with all his promises and the way he describes how the business is going and how perfect our house is going to be. sometimes i wish the world would just get the hell out of the way and let us get on with our lives.
we had plans for this weekend. i have been going out of my head because i haven't had sex in almost 2 weeks now. yea i know that explains a lot. i am terrible when i am sexually denied. so i have asked multiple times if i could come over, if we could get together, i need a good snuggle, etc... there just always seems to be a reason why tonight isn't a good night or what ever. so last night we had a date night. i had asked him over for dinner and a movie rather than go out to a upscale restaurant as he had suggested. i was trying to avoid a panic attack while we were together. so he was supposed to go out and get a package of Cornish hens. first he didn't know what they were (he kept supposing they were just a chicken lol). then he didn't go shopping for them early enough for them to get thawed out in time for dinner. then lastly, he called and asked if we could change plans because there was a concert he wanted to go see at the Watson stage. diamond rio was playing. so of course, we skipped my movie i wanted to see, he got a simple bowl of goulash for dinner with the remnants of a peach cobbler i had made for the family for desert. then rather than leave here for the concert as i had thought (started at 8 and we left here at 7:30), he had to make a side trip to drop some materials off at a job site, and get some gas. we were half an hour late. and we had to park at the outer reaches of the galaxy and walk in to the concert. we got there just in time to see the last 45 minutes of the concert tho. oh yeah, so did 2 of his kids. not that they should have avoided the concert, but family night out at the park just wasn't what i had hoped for in my date night.
it gets better. we left the concert and went to his oldest sons home for a movie. not my movie. and we didn't watch a thing. too much chatter going on, and socializing. it was cool tho. i enjoyed meeting the kids and their children. i enjoyed the whiskey and smoking inside. i enjoyed the low lights and the cuddles (all very innocent of course).  i really enjoyed when it was time to go. i had my overnight bag packed, and was all set for the stay i had been promised all week. so he drives me out to a service station and parks so we can have a chat. where he tells me that he had been confronted earlier that day by members of our church (the junior pastor and his wife).
it seems that they had dropped by his place looking for him, while one of his exes were there looking for him as well, and they had a lovely conversation all about OUR relationship. so my guy was informed by said jr pastor that if we continued in our vile worldly relationship that he would be in jeopardy of getting dismissed from the band and/or ejected from the church. we have been advised to move up our wedding date. i am so pissed. i am angry and depressed all at the same time.  ok i need a break. i will have to finish this another day.

Happy Birthday Dad

He had a really good time today. I worked my tail off and I think it was a success. I made a strawberry shortcake and everyone who ate any was impressed with it. My stand up guy liked it too. LOL for once he didnt stand me up. He took measurements tonight while he was here for my mobile home doors which need replacing. It was a nice night. Dad got out the dvd of his and mom's 40th where I sang for them to dance so that we could enjoy that. My brother did hand stands. Mom poked her head in to say hi. We were well chaperoned. But we did find time for a quiet walk and he sang to me, and we sang together. It was quite romantic. I am really happy that he is going to help me get the trailer back into habitable shape, because once it is I am going to beg madam mayor to come visit with me. I know she will love the chance to fly, and I am hoping that my fortunes will change and I can give her the money to come visit me, hehehe :)
I only just thought about the bad things, which is good. I made it through most of the day without lingering over the bad things. It will soon be 32 years I have lived with the worst bad thing ever, but today when I could have let those thoughts weight me down, I am glad they didn't. Time for bed. Sweet Dreams

I am Soooooo bad

I dont know why it gives me such a lift to be bad. Maybe its my rebel spirit railing against the man, the system, or the church. Hell I dont know. But last night, I got a call from the stand up guy and it just happened to be at a time when I was feeling quite... uhmmm oh hell. I was horney, ok! I wanted and needed attention and he called, so after a bit of phone sex that just didnt quite get the job completely done, I said to hell with it and went over. I still have the wedding file in place, and he still calls me his wife and he is really sorry and blah blah blah, and I don't even care that it was unhealthy for me, because at the time it was exactly what I needed. I ended up spending the night and waking very sated this morning. Hmmmm now I am wondering if I told you who the stand up guy is and why that is his nomenclature.
Ok backing up to the weeks before Independence Day... My pastor told me I should break up with TMWLMD because God had something better in store for me. (I can see anyone who is reading this for the first time shaking their heads and noting that I am truly off my rocker). I cried for days because I love him, but I also know that no matter how much I want to pretend that its different, he isn't right for me. So one of the people at my church was in a position every service to see me clearly, and he constantly smiles at me. I smile all the time at church because I feel good there. So the pastor said I have to break up with my love, and here is this eligible bachelor at church, and my mind goes to thinking that ok this must be the guy who I am supposed to be with. We go on a few coffee dates, and then one night we wind up in a place where we are alone and talking and well... my always hot little nature took over and offered zero resistance when he started getting frisky. Afterwards, we are having some pillow talk (minus the bed and pillow) and we are attempting to reconcile what just happened with our faith, and we came to the instant justification that God put us together to spend the rest of our lives together, and since we had both physically put away our exes (even though mine isn't legal yet), we chose to apply the biblical interpretation of marriage to our situation and decided that he had come as Abraham into the tent and known his wife (ok now you all are vehemently shaking your heads going WTF!!????!!! She is totally LOONEY). Crazy as it sounds, thats what happened. We began making wedding plans to legitimize our spiritual marriage even though I failed to confide that little detail to even my closest friend (sorry Madam Mayor, but I know how you would have reacted... it is firmly established, I am NUTS). However, after this he began failing to keep our dates. Always he had a legitimate reason for standing me up, but it began to be a very sore topic here at home. My dad would make cryptic comments about how he would walk for miles through multiple communities to keep his dates, no matter what happened. Never broke a promise to a girlfriend and NEVER asked his girlfriends to meet him out or come get him, but was always the MAN and went to pick her up like a man ought to.... So that is how he became known in my mind as the stand up guy. The final failure was his standing me up about 15 minutes before I swallowed a bottle of pills. He is like a whooped puppy about that, saying he had no idea how much it hurt me. I almost (I said almost MM) accept that. But last night had nothing to do with any of that. I am not sure we are back on as a couple or not, but this morning.... my libido is satisfied, my spirits are up, and I am not even caring about tomorrow or the day after, I am just enjoying the contentment of right this minute. hehehehe being bad always feels so very good!

blahhhh

dont you hate those days when you KNOW you should do something.... anything, but cant get off your butt to do any of them? not even the ones that dont require getting up? uggggh. i guess that the cancellation of my dr appt with the suicide prevention counselor  was the beginning of my blahhs for today. i want to go work on my trailer, but so far all i have managed is to do some browsing for small appliances that i dont have the cash to buy, which morphed into a search of hobby lobby for fabric i cant afford either. I need to clean on mom's kitchen, but I walk in and the smell makes me walk back out. I think it's the watermelon wine on the counter that is fast on its way to being watermelon whiskey, but is still in that transitional stage where it just smells foul. oh sure, its just a small matter to pick up the jars, walk out onto the back porch and dump them out, but somehow, i cant seem to make myself do even that. I want to go to TMWLMD's house, but i dont think i am really welcome there right now. he has been very standoffish lately, and i think his comment this morning that he knew i had two or three boyfriends around may be at the bottom of that. I had just made a joke about him clearing out all his other girlfriends so i could come over. I was teasing because i know he isnt the kind to have more than one gf at a time. I wish I could honestly say that I dont have but that wouldnt be truthful and this is the one place I wont lie. I dont love anyone else but him. He wont let me come over very often right now because he has so much going on, and there are so many places he wont allow me to help him in as well. Then there is his nephew who will always come first no matter what. as much as i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i dont think it will work out because of those things. i have had enough of not being first. and i know that as much as sex shouldnt be a huge factor, with me it is. I need more than he can give me, and i will ALWAYS be the one doing all the work with him, since he doesn't have the use of his lower torso and legs. So I have one other place i go for gratification. it is well out of town, and there is almost zero chance of the two of them to ever meet or find out about the other. I do have a couple of male friends locally, but those are friends who are never going to be more than just friends. dear God, how did I get off on this subject? oh well, it is on my mind so it probably needed to come out. And to make things worse, I saw a new pic of my hubby today. he looks like he did 15 years ago except the new deeper lines in his face. I am guessing they are from the 80 hour weeks he has been putting in, but i dont know for sure. i suppose i may have put some of them there. i shouldnt care. i get so mad at myself for wasting emotion on him. all the tears, regrets, or empty wishes wont make him love me like i needed him to. i just wonder how long it will take his new woman to figure it out. or maybe he will truly love her. i dont know if that thought hurts me yet or not, but i think if i let it that maybe it could hollow me out even more than i am already. ok moving on. its raining here now. i think i am going to go take a nap. maybe. if i can get up to go do that.

Small Progress

Progress of any kind feels good. I have put in a few stitches on an angel project that Madam Mayor let me borrow. I would guess about 30 this last week. How wierd is it that right now I want to stitch, but I feel like I can't? It would be as easy as bending down and picking up my project bag at my feet and getting started, but still, I find all kinds of excuses why I can't right now. Yet I am proud of the few stitches I have got in.
A second area of progress is my home. I went down today and spent about an hour there sorting through boxes and stuff. It felt good being there, in the total quiet, even with the heat. I got 4 boxes emptied out. And yes, I am counting the one that was a new box with my rooster canister set in it that I bought earlier this year. I am going about this the hard but correct way as well. I don't just open a box and drag out the contents into a pile and count that as an empty box. I am putting things where they should go when I take them out of the boxes. The hardest part was opening boxes that held memorabilia of the two children I had to leave with their father recently. They were his biological kids, and not any relation to me, but I literally felt gut kicked as I pulled out a tiny feather that the son of my heart gave me from our doves in the front lawn. Then there was the book that my princess in training made in her kindergarden class, with her name meticullously spelled out on the front in the way I had practiced with her at our kitchen table over and over. Unfortunately that ended my forward progress in that area as I took some time to grieve for them. I want so much to hear their little voices tell me once more "I love you Momma".
Not much progress elsewhere I am afraid, except that I got an early start on supper so I wouldnt have to cook tonight. As I sit here trying to eat it, I am not sure whether it is my headache, distress over the children, or the food, but it isn't tasting as good as I had thought it would or as well as the early samplings indicated it should. Such as life. At least it was some progress, and for those small forward steps today I am grateful if a little uneasy waiting for the other foot to fall.

One Dark Day Defeated

Yesterday was pretty bad huh? Today, I don't know why, but I woke up ok. Not that I slept long... from 4am until 8 with a short nap at 4. But still, I guess it was a small victory that I woke up ok. Another that I slept. And yet another that I didn't do anything stupid. Sometimes a defeated attitude can work in your (or in this case my) favor. I truly think that if I felt that I had a better chance of success than the previous attempt, I would have done something. As it was, I went to see Spider, and talked to him a while. He of course took it entirely wrong when I showed up in my pj's on his doorstep at midnight, but I can't control what he thinks. He swore that I had been out to other places before I got there cause who in their right minds leave their houses at that hour just to go see a man. I had to explain repeatedly that I wasn't going to go see a man, but that I was looking for a friend, and that I wasn't in my right mind or I would have been sleeping and no I didn't need any of his feel good stash that he had there. Geesh... I am fucked up enough without adding chemical enhancements. Now I have a true problem of enormous preportions. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow at 2, but I have no idea which dr or where. That is a problem. Oh well. I did take some sleeping pills tonight to help me go to sleep at a decent time and not have those horrid nightmares. It should be kicking in soon.
Those nightmares would drive anyone crazy. I can hardly believe that with all the trauma I have been through I would dream things so terrible. OK I know that can be hard to follow so let me explain. I could understand if I were the person who was the victim in my dreams as that would mirror reality. What I can't understand is why I am the perpetrator in my dreams and not the victim, but I do things so terrible to other women that it is insane. Things that you would expect to see a mass murderer dream about in some dime store novel with a really sick twist. Not things you would imagine a person with such a quiet demeanor, kind nature, and helpful personality as I would have. I am not tooting my own horn. I am only stating that I am a really nice person, and the kind of friend that everyone would hope to have. But in my dreams I am a sick, twisted, horrible person. There is a word that is very appropriate, but I am having a slow moment and cant spell it. Truly I don't even want to type it in conjunction with describing my personality. I should also qualify that I am a hetrosexual woman and not gay, which is belied by my dreams as well. I am now working myself into a fever of dread hoping that the meds work and I don't dream since I am thinking so much about what I don't want to find in my sleep tonight. So! No more talking about that before bed.
Goodnight Madam Mayor. Sleep well, and may you never suffer from the night terrors that plague me now.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Reminds me of a song from my younger days. I really feel like if I had three steps I would just walk in a circle. I am hoping this bout of depression is just a normal depression that anyone would have but I am afraid it isn't. I am afraid this is a part of my condition and that perhaps the medicine isn't working. I don't know. I haven't been medicated long enough to know and understand what is acceptable with medication and what isn't. Thanks hubby number three. I am to the point I want to worry, but I don't care enough about things to worry. Those of you who know the signs know what I mean. Earlier today I had some bad thoughts. Fleetingly. Just under consideration long enough to come to the pitiful realization that I am such a fuck up any way that I would either screw things up and just be sick, or else that they would find me and stop me again. I am doomed to constant failure at every facet of life. So now I am even more depressed because I know I can't try to kill myself so I have no way out of this shit and I am so fucking tired of being trapped. I am trapped by circumstances, by my parents, by the system, by my finances, by people who really mean well but force me to endure this shit regardless of how helpless I am and how much I hate every breath right now. Each breath is another in this house where I can't fart without everyone hearing it, shit without at least three interruptions, bathe without an audience, and rational thought is obviously impossible because of the constant inundation of sounds. I realized today that the last week has been ok only because I have been escaping to the REC everyday. I didn't go today because of a whole shit storm that happened last night with the guy who wants more than friendship. I didn't blog about that yet, but maybe I will catch up later. Just imagine being in a restaurant with the guy who wants you and having the guy you love call you in trouble and not even caring that you just told him you love him in front of this other guy who will have a fit cause it wasn't him you were speaking to. So now I lost my only escape from the insanity and it is going to be a rough ride trying to hold on for daylight. Not that I want to hold on. I just know that I will screw it up if I try to let go, then I will end up back in the hospital again and I wont be able to have my dog or my stitching and if there is any reason not to use the shotgun in the trunk its because I have to stitch now so I can satisfy charity and I don't want my mom taking care of my dog cause he would be neglected. Damn I hate this dance. Stop the music now please?

Stuck Under the Stairs

I just talked myself out of taking an apartment to get out of mom and dads. I really want to get out on my own, but realistically I cannot justify adding an expense to my budget when I don't have at least that amount left at the end of the month. I usually have nothing left, but this past month I made a concerted effort to have a residual balance in my accounts. I ended up with a balance left, but in each of my resources, the available balance was less than $10 each. That means that even with having been in the hospital 9 days, not smoking for 2 weeks, and deliberately conserving every resource I had, I still only managed to not spend $30 of what I could have spent.

You have no idea of how badly I don't want to live here. Yet, it is safe. I have a guaranteed source of food, air conditioning, internet, and transportation in exchange for loss of privacy and peacefulness. This is a sure place to sleep where I do not pay rent or utilities, and in reality have very little asked of me right now. I haven't been asked to prepare a meal in more than a week. So now that I can escape the house for at least 8 hours each day, I think I will tolerate it for a while longer in order to be absolutely sure that I don't get into a place and then wind up on my ear because of my inadequate income.

too many big decisions

I was rolling along feeling pretty darn good about things (with the exception of my migraine which still sucks) when it hit me.... hey yo... you are on another path to destruction if you don't stop and think now. I hate reality when it hits. ok see, there is this great guy I met in hospital. Not the best place to start a romance I know, but hey it happened and here we are. Not only is he romantic and sweet when he wants to be, he is employed and gainfully seeking to advance himself in life. So then there is this guy I just met at the REC who is nice. He has a past that is not pretty at all and some of it is still pending but he is a nice guy. Then there is TMWLMD that I truly love, but I know that not only can I never be what he needs from a partner he can't ever be all the things I need from a partner. OK this is how the mix is playing out. The guy from REC is supposed to be JUST a friend. It was stated out front, from the beginning that all I want is friendship and he said the same as well. He knows I am physically attracted but that I want to not go there because I obviously have WAY to much on my plate as is. Today I went to church with him as agreed and next Sunday he is supposed to go to my church. I swear it was not ever supposed to be anything more than friendship. Today, I had people asking if we were dating, and then he kept talking and somehow we get on this thing of 'what if it ever develops to more than a friendship'. HOW DO I GET IN THESE SITUATIONS?????
The guy from hospital is one that I can actually see myself having a relationship with, and I am really thinking it is something that I might want to happen. TMWLMD is so beautiful and so loving, I am heartbroken just thinking about how much I wish this or that or the other were different, but it is what it is and I cant make anything any better sitting and wishing. Sigh..... no wonder my frigging head hurts.

Headaches come is all sizes

ok ya'll. I've had a headache now for 2 days so I figured with nothing else to lose I should analyze all the potential reasons for me to have a headache. As far as this list goes, let me preface by saying, I know reasonably well that my head hurts due to exhaustion, dehydration, and stress, but those are no friggin fun, so why not have something to smile about?

Top Ten Reasons for a Migraine

10. Dad thinks new housing opportunity represents huge threat to safety. Reason? Someone may have kept my apt key and be waiting in the shadows for a short, heavy, brunette to rent the place so that they can molest me.

9. Mom says the reason she yells all the time is because no one listens otherwise. Hmmmm let's see mom: have ya tried just asking for once?

8. Brother must repeat everything vehemently at least four times. Like I'm just saying, how about giving someone credit in the house for not needing a hearing aide?

7. Aunt doesn't get that high heat, old age, and walking in the middle of the highway at noon just don't add up to a good outcome.

6. No-one gets that when you yell at me and see me wince, that isn't an invitation to yell again. Ya I heard ya already.

5. Why does the level of my pain and the level of decibels in the house seem to rise at about a 2-1 ratio when there is a finite limit on the volume that the speakers allow? (hmm darn forgot to consider the number of sound producing elements involved in this equation... 3 tv's, 2 cb's, 3 scanner's, 2 parents....)

4. Parents never get tired of asking questions that adults should not have to answer outside a grand jury. Yes I stayed out all night. No I don't want to tell you where, why, who, or how unless you are an unrelated female who has gained my complete confidence.

3. Do any of us ever get tired of hearing news 24 hours a day? Really? Oh so that is just MY MOM who feels the need to hear every Fox news program as many times a day as they repeat it?

2. How many barriers to independence can a dad come up with in a 24 hr period. Can we break that down into seconds to make this equation easier?

And the number one reason that I like have a headache other than the obvious reasons?

NO ADULT SHOULD EVER HAVE TO SAY 'MOM WOULD YOU MIND NOT COMING IN WHEN YOU KNOW I AM BATHING?'

Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day. I felt good all day. You know there is a serious problem when those days are so rare that they are more remarkable than 'normal' days. LOL the days when you don't want to get out of bed, or bathe, or look in a mirror... ya those are the one's I am more accustomed to. I hope this is a harbinger of good things. Maybe the new meds are going to really help. It was nice to enjoy the day.
On the flip side, I learned the cost of doing business. It will cost me $200 just to get advertising for 1000 customers. Doesn't that blow your mind! It did mine. Not like that is very hard to do, but come on! REALLY??? I know it takes money to make it, but please God give me a tiny break here. I want to be financially independent for once. It is beyond degrading to need to depend on your parents for support at 45. Not that I am 45... I still only admit to 35. That's my story and I am sticking to it. hehe.
I met a new friend. His name is Spider. He is a really cool guy who is down on his luck like me, but I can't see him staying on the bottom for long. Well enough for now. later gater

Oxymoronic Situation

This is truly an odd situation for me. Part of my recovery is going to be breaking my addiction to the computer, yet I choose this forum for my journal of recovery. LOL, it fits me tho. I am an walking contradiction. Tylenol gives me headaches, coffee puts me to sleep, Dramamine makes me sick... I am just weird. (I can hear my best friend Madam Mayor saying 'boy you got that right') Oh well. I am weird and I can accept that. It's just the rest of the world that has issues with my weirdness. Its fine with me if I want bacon and eggs at 7 pm. And by the way... just who said that I have to get dressed every day? Why can't I wear pajamas all day if that is what I am comfortable with!!!??! So anyway, back to the computer issue... today I didn't start up the computer at home, choosing instead to come to my new favorite hangout where I am working on my recovery, and borrowing their service for a few minutes rather than spending hours on end at the keyboard as I am most prone to do. This way, I can get in some stitchy time which I really do enjoy, and also work on some of the therapeutic tools available here to help me get well again.
In the exciting news department: I may have my own apartment soon, which will truly help me to heal. Living with your parents is in itself depressing: living with mine is perfect justification for anyone to want to die rather than endure one more moment of the constant chaos, multiple media, incessant squabbling, and degradation that is the makeup of that household. The down side of that news is that is the expense. OK, $170 is not a huge expense especially when it includes all utilities except telephone and cable; however, my entire income is $601 and I pay out around $360 in bills. Wiggle room is gone in this situation, so I am praying for a quick resolution of my VA claim for increased disability. With that, I can pay off my debt, and afford to get myself a better living arrangement without wondering just how I will afford shampoo, denture creme, and toilet paper.
Well in the interest of staying true to my promise to only spend a few minutes on this, I will sign off for now. Here is hoping that all is well in your world, or at least tolerable. TATA till next time

Day 1

It's Sunday. A day of rest. I am trying to find my rest in the Lord, but it is hard for me to actually turn loose the bundle of cares that I want to lay at his feet. I know he will take them, but it is not my lack of desire that is the problem, it's my lack of understanding of how to actually unloose my grip on the bag of troubles. However, I did find a brief respite. Last night I called TMWLMD and asked if I could come over for a while and he said of course. LOL, he acts like I should automatically know that I am welcome, but it isn't my nature to just assume those kinds of things.
I arrived and found that he was just as I have remembered him for the last few weeks. He has such a ready smile, that reaches all the way to his eyes. It was like I had never been away except for that bit of awkwardness that I feel since I got home from the hospital. I am still shy around people. I think I am waiting for the confirmation from people I know that it is ok, that they still love me, and are not holding my attempt against me. I ended up staying the night. My family is acting like I committed an atrocious sin, but they don't give me as much credit as they should. I slept beside him like a babe, and he rested as well as I did: something neither of us have done well since prior to my incident. Even so, with the exception of a small kiss and a large hug and a few innocent cuddles, nothing untoward happened. I should have no guilt on my conscious, yet I still feel a prick simply because of what I know they automatically think. 
I slept the whole night until 7am this morning! That is such a rare thing for me to find restful sleep! I am having trouble now remembering if I took my meds, because I felt so good this morning, but now I feel really not good. My mind is reeling and my body trembling, and I feel nauseated and disconcerted. I feel so weird that I am having trouble composing this so I guess for now I will have to stop and rest.

The Journey Begins

They say that today is the first day of the rest of your life. Sometimes that is not by your own personal choice. So here I am, alive, and on the first leg of my journey to parts unknown: hopefully someplace way better than here. I survived a suicide attempt the first of this month. The Man Who Would'nt Let Me Die is totally responsible. (I have decided that is going to be his name from here on out.) I was well on my way to resting in peace when I called him, simply wanting to fall asleep on his shoulder on last time. That seems to be the one place that I sleep well, but for some screwy reasons that I am sure I will rant about later, I decided that I needed to back away from taking advantage of that most comfortable pillow in favor of more socially acceptable (in the eyes of my family) arrangements: like my mother's recliner.
TMWLD  grew suspicious when on Independence Day I called him, drowsy and half intelligible, and wanted to simple talk to him while I fell asleep. He is one of my true friends, the ones you know will always answer the phone if they can get to it. He kept asking what I did, what was wrong, and who was around. I don't remember much more than that except the worry in his voice. I was sad that I worried him, and apologized for bothering him, because I truly love him so much I hated to have caused him distress. That's what people don't understand when people like me want to die. It isn't because we don't love our family and friends that we want to die. It is because we cannot find any love for ourselves, and life without that is unbearable.
So now I am home from the hospital and trying to find a direction to go in that keeps me out of the hospital again. Right now I am not so sure that I am happy with that decision. Its only in those few precious moments that I am not suicidaly depressed that I can see the wisdom in getting the help I need to recover. If depression were the only thing I had to deal with, it would be a little easier; although, I hope no one underestimates the challenges in fighting depression all by itself. I just happen to have a laundry list of diagnosis to contend with. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Military Sexual Trauma, Personality Disorders, Panic Disorders with Agorophobia as an aggravating condition in addition to the Major Depressive Disorder that I have to battle. So not only am I terribly depressed, I have little voices in my head just begging me to jump. ( I see a picture of a guy, on his last leg, with a crowd of drunken sailors screaming "jump, jump, jump", LOL)
This is weird for me, talking to an unkown audience about the things that I consider very personal and private. However, I think this may be the one way I can work out some of the issues I have. I sometimes need very badly to talk, but have no desire to speak. So... etherworld of invisible friends (fits right in with my insanity doesn't it)... today is the first day of the rest of my life: may it not be so terrible afterall.