Yesterday was an upsetting day at the suicide prevention meeting. My therapist was very challenging in her attitude which made me feel even more helpless than I already do. Today, I am feeling like it was meant to challenge me to get out of this funk. Maybe she wasn't being as mean as it felt like she was. I have been suicidal for over a year now, so what I have been doing isn't working. Today I want to come up with some ideas for what I can do today to make my life better. Last night before bed I felt like I had wasted my whole day until I made myself recognize that I had done something other than just exist. I did laundry for one. Yeah I know for most people that is a normal part of life but for me, I wait until I have no other option but to wash clothes or go naked. Usually naked is more preferable anyway, but in this place it isn't an option. So I did do SOMETHING. Now begs the question: what now? What will I do with myself today other than be a stick of furniture at home and dutifully arrive at my doctors appointments on schedule?
I think a list of things may help spur me out of this so here goes.
- I will put in my teeth (not much but it's something)
- I will treat myself to the new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor Sweddy Balls (any of you remember that skit on SNL? OMG hillarious!!)
- I will find out what paperwork I need to fill out to get my divorce for less $$ (ok this one has been on my agenda all week but hasn't been started so I need to do that today)
- I will not berate myself for getting stood up last night in favor of cattle
- I will recite my mantra every time I feel overwhelmed (There is nothing that God and I can't handle today)
ok thats five things. It's a start and even though it doesn't look like it's a lot, some of those things seem almost too lofty for goals, and some of them I may not get accomplished, but I am going to promise myself to TRY to do them all. Since I have an hour before the business offices open up I am going to start with my teeth and leave B&J for on the way home from the dr's. I have 2 appt's today: my MST therapist and my mammogram. joy joy joy.
Update: I got my teeth in and I have called the clerk of courts office and know what paperwork I need to file. I have not yet put myself down for getting stood up, having decided that it isn't important enough to get upset over. so now I just need to remember to keep that in mind if I do get down about it, and practice my mantra and find that B&J. GOOD START ALREADY HUH!
