Friday, September 9, 2011

So What Now?

Yesterday was an upsetting day at the suicide prevention meeting. My therapist was very challenging in her attitude which made me feel even more helpless than I already do. Today, I am feeling like it was meant to challenge me to get out of this funk. Maybe she wasn't being as mean as it felt like she was. I have been suicidal for over a year now, so what I have been doing isn't working. Today I want to come up with some ideas for what I can do today to make my life better. Last night before bed I felt like I had wasted my whole day until I made myself recognize that I had done something other than just exist. I did laundry for one. Yeah I know for most people that is a normal part of life but for me, I wait until I have no other option but to wash clothes or go naked. Usually naked is more preferable anyway, but in this place it isn't an option. So I did do SOMETHING. Now begs the question: what now? What will I do with myself today other than be a stick of furniture at home and dutifully arrive at my doctors appointments on schedule?
I think a list of things may help spur me out of this so here goes.
  • I will put in my teeth (not much but it's something)
  • I will treat myself to the new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor Sweddy Balls (any of you remember that skit on SNL? OMG hillarious!!)
  • I will find out what paperwork I need to fill out to get my divorce for less $$ (ok this one has been on my agenda all week but hasn't been started so I need to do that today)
  • I will not berate myself for getting stood up last night in favor of cattle
  • I will recite my mantra every time I feel overwhelmed (There is nothing that God and I can't handle today)
ok thats five things. It's a start and even though it doesn't look like it's a lot, some of those things seem almost too lofty for goals, and some of them I may not get accomplished, but I am going to promise myself to TRY to do them all. Since I have an hour before the business offices open up I am going to start with my teeth and leave B&J for on the way home from the dr's. I have 2 appt's today: my MST therapist and my mammogram. joy joy joy.

Update: I got my teeth in and I have called the clerk of courts office and know what paperwork I need to file. I have not yet put myself down for getting stood up, having decided that it isn't important enough to get upset over. so now I just need to remember to keep that in mind if I do get down about it, and practice my mantra and find that B&J. GOOD START ALREADY HUH!

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