Sunday, July 31, 2011

too many big decisions

I was rolling along feeling pretty darn good about things (with the exception of my migraine which still sucks) when it hit me.... hey yo... you are on another path to destruction if you don't stop and think now. I hate reality when it hits. ok see, there is this great guy I met in hospital. Not the best place to start a romance I know, but hey it happened and here we are. Not only is he romantic and sweet when he wants to be, he is employed and gainfully seeking to advance himself in life. So then there is this guy I just met at the REC who is nice. He has a past that is not pretty at all and some of it is still pending but he is a nice guy. Then there is TMWLMD that I truly love, but I know that not only can I never be what he needs from a partner he can't ever be all the things I need from a partner. OK this is how the mix is playing out. The guy from REC is supposed to be JUST a friend. It was stated out front, from the beginning that all I want is friendship and he said the same as well. He knows I am physically attracted but that I want to not go there because I obviously have WAY to much on my plate as is. Today I went to church with him as agreed and next Sunday he is supposed to go to my church. I swear it was not ever supposed to be anything more than friendship. Today, I had people asking if we were dating, and then he kept talking and somehow we get on this thing of 'what if it ever develops to more than a friendship'. HOW DO I GET IN THESE SITUATIONS?????
The guy from hospital is one that I can actually see myself having a relationship with, and I am really thinking it is something that I might want to happen. TMWLMD is so beautiful and so loving, I am heartbroken just thinking about how much I wish this or that or the other were different, but it is what it is and I cant make anything any better sitting and wishing. Sigh..... no wonder my frigging head hurts.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Headaches come is all sizes

ok ya'll. I've had a headache now for 2 days so I figured with nothing else to lose I should analyze all the potential reasons for me to have a headache. As far as this list goes, let me preface by saying, I know reasonably well that my head hurts due to exhaustion, dehydration, and stress, but those are no friggin fun, so why not have something to smile about?

Top Ten Reasons for a Migraine

10. Dad thinks new housing opportunity represents huge threat to safety. Reason? Someone may have kept my apt key and be waiting in the shadows for a short, heavy, brunette to rent the place so that they can molest me.

9. Mom says the reason she yells all the time is because no one listens otherwise. Hmmmm let's see mom: have ya tried just asking for once?

8. Brother must repeat everything vehemently at least four times. Like I'm just saying, how about giving someone credit in the house for not needing a hearing aide?

7. Aunt doesn't get that high heat, old age, and walking in the middle of the highway at noon just don't add up to a good outcome.

6. No-one gets that when you yell at me and see me wince, that isn't an invitation to yell again. Ya I heard ya already.

5. Why does the level of my pain and the level of decibels in the house seem to rise at about a 2-1 ratio when there is a finite limit on the volume that the speakers allow? (hmm darn forgot to consider the number of sound producing elements involved in this equation... 3 tv's, 2 cb's, 3 scanner's, 2 parents....)

4. Parents never get tired of asking questions that adults should not have to answer outside a grand jury. Yes I stayed out all night. No I don't want to tell you where, why, who, or how unless you are an unrelated female who has gained my complete confidence.

3. Do any of us ever get tired of hearing news 24 hours a day? Really? Oh so that is just MY MOM who feels the need to hear every Fox news program as many times a day as they repeat it?

2. How many barriers to independence can a dad come up with in a 24 hr period. Can we break that down into seconds to make this equation easier?

And the number one reason that I like have a headache other than the obvious reasons?

NO ADULT SHOULD EVER HAVE TO SAY 'MOM WOULD YOU MIND NOT COMING IN WHEN YOU KNOW I AM BATHING?'

Friday, July 29, 2011

Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day. I felt good all day. You know there is a serious problem when those days are so rare that they are more remarkable than 'normal' days. LOL the days when you don't want to get out of bed, or bathe, or look in a mirror... ya those are the one's I am more accustomed to. I hope this is a harbinger of good things. Maybe the new meds are going to really help. It was nice to enjoy the day.
On the flip side, I learned the cost of doing business. It will cost me $200 just to get advertising for 1000 customers. Doesn't that blow your mind! It did mine. Not like that is very hard to do, but come on! REALLY??? I know it takes money to make it, but please God give me a tiny break here. I want to be financially independent for once. It is beyond degrading to need to depend on your parents for support at 45. Not that I am 45... I still only admit to 35. That's my story and I am sticking to it. hehe.
I met a new friend. His name is Spider. He is a really cool guy who is down on his luck like me, but I can't see him staying on the bottom for long. Well enough for now. later gater

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Oxymoronic Situation

This is truly an odd situation for me. Part of my recovery is going to be breaking my addiction to the computer, yet I choose this forum for my journal of recovery. LOL, it fits me tho. I am an walking contradiction. Tylenol gives me headaches, coffee puts me to sleep, Dramamine makes me sick... I am just weird. (I can hear my best friend Madam Mayor saying 'boy you got that right') Oh well. I am weird and I can accept that. It's just the rest of the world that has issues with my weirdness. Its fine with me if I want bacon and eggs at 7 pm. And by the way... just who said that I have to get dressed every day? Why can't I wear pajamas all day if that is what I am comfortable with!!!??! So anyway, back to the computer issue... today I didn't start up the computer at home, choosing instead to come to my new favorite hangout where I am working on my recovery, and borrowing their service for a few minutes rather than spending hours on end at the keyboard as I am most prone to do. This way, I can get in some stitchy time which I really do enjoy, and also work on some of the therapeutic tools available here to help me get well again.
In the exciting news department: I may have my own apartment soon, which will truly help me to heal. Living with your parents is in itself depressing: living with mine is perfect justification for anyone to want to die rather than endure one more moment of the constant chaos, multiple media, incessant squabbling, and degradation that is the makeup of that household. The down side of that news is that is the expense. OK, $170 is not a huge expense especially when it includes all utilities except telephone and cable; however, my entire income is $601 and I pay out around $360 in bills. Wiggle room is gone in this situation, so I am praying for a quick resolution of my VA claim for increased disability. With that, I can pay off my debt, and afford to get myself a better living arrangement without wondering just how I will afford shampoo, denture creme, and toilet paper.
Well in the interest of staying true to my promise to only spend a few minutes on this, I will sign off for now. Here is hoping that all is well in your world, or at least tolerable. TATA till next time

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Day 1

It's Sunday. A day of rest. I am trying to find my rest in the Lord, but it is hard for me to actually turn loose the bundle of cares that I want to lay at his feet. I know he will take them, but it is not my lack of desire that is the problem, it's my lack of understanding of how to actually unloose my grip on the bag of troubles. However, I did find a brief respite. Last night I called TMWLMD and asked if I could come over for a while and he said of course. LOL, he acts like I should automatically know that I am welcome, but it isn't my nature to just assume those kinds of things.
I arrived and found that he was just as I have remembered him for the last few weeks. He has such a ready smile, that reaches all the way to his eyes. It was like I had never been away except for that bit of awkwardness that I feel since I got home from the hospital. I am still shy around people. I think I am waiting for the confirmation from people I know that it is ok, that they still love me, and are not holding my attempt against me. I ended up staying the night. My family is acting like I committed an atrocious sin, but they don't give me as much credit as they should. I slept beside him like a babe, and he rested as well as I did: something neither of us have done well since prior to my incident. Even so, with the exception of a small kiss and a large hug and a few innocent cuddles, nothing untoward happened. I should have no guilt on my conscious, yet I still feel a prick simply because of what I know they automatically think. 
I slept the whole night until 7am this morning! That is such a rare thing for me to find restful sleep! I am having trouble now remembering if I took my meds, because I felt so good this morning, but now I feel really not good. My mind is reeling and my body trembling, and I feel nauseated and disconcerted. I feel so weird that I am having trouble composing this so I guess for now I will have to stop and rest.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Journey Begins

They say that today is the first day of the rest of your life. Sometimes that is not by your own personal choice. So here I am, alive, and on the first leg of my journey to parts unknown: hopefully someplace way better than here. I survived a suicide attempt the first of this month. The Man Who Would'nt Let Me Die is totally responsible. (I have decided that is going to be his name from here on out.) I was well on my way to resting in peace when I called him, simply wanting to fall asleep on his shoulder on last time. That seems to be the one place that I sleep well, but for some screwy reasons that I am sure I will rant about later, I decided that I needed to back away from taking advantage of that most comfortable pillow in favor of more socially acceptable (in the eyes of my family) arrangements: like my mother's recliner.
TMWLD  grew suspicious when on Independence Day I called him, drowsy and half intelligible, and wanted to simple talk to him while I fell asleep. He is one of my true friends, the ones you know will always answer the phone if they can get to it. He kept asking what I did, what was wrong, and who was around. I don't remember much more than that except the worry in his voice. I was sad that I worried him, and apologized for bothering him, because I truly love him so much I hated to have caused him distress. That's what people don't understand when people like me want to die. It isn't because we don't love our family and friends that we want to die. It is because we cannot find any love for ourselves, and life without that is unbearable.
So now I am home from the hospital and trying to find a direction to go in that keeps me out of the hospital again. Right now I am not so sure that I am happy with that decision. Its only in those few precious moments that I am not suicidaly depressed that I can see the wisdom in getting the help I need to recover. If depression were the only thing I had to deal with, it would be a little easier; although, I hope no one underestimates the challenges in fighting depression all by itself. I just happen to have a laundry list of diagnosis to contend with. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Military Sexual Trauma, Personality Disorders, Panic Disorders with Agorophobia as an aggravating condition in addition to the Major Depressive Disorder that I have to battle. So not only am I terribly depressed, I have little voices in my head just begging me to jump. ( I see a picture of a guy, on his last leg, with a crowd of drunken sailors screaming "jump, jump, jump", LOL)
This is weird for me, talking to an unkown audience about the things that I consider very personal and private. However, I think this may be the one way I can work out some of the issues I have. I sometimes need very badly to talk, but have no desire to speak. So... etherworld of invisible friends (fits right in with my insanity doesn't it)... today is the first day of the rest of my life: may it not be so terrible afterall.