The Journey Begins

They say that today is the first day of the rest of your life. Sometimes that is not by your own personal choice. So here I am, alive, and on the first leg of my journey to parts unknown: hopefully someplace way better than here. I survived a suicide attempt the first of this month. The Man Who Would'nt Let Me Die is totally responsible. (I have decided that is going to be his name from here on out.) I was well on my way to resting in peace when I called him, simply wanting to fall asleep on his shoulder on last time. That seems to be the one place that I sleep well, but for some screwy reasons that I am sure I will rant about later, I decided that I needed to back away from taking advantage of that most comfortable pillow in favor of more socially acceptable (in the eyes of my family) arrangements: like my mother's recliner.
TMWLD  grew suspicious when on Independence Day I called him, drowsy and half intelligible, and wanted to simple talk to him while I fell asleep. He is one of my true friends, the ones you know will always answer the phone if they can get to it. He kept asking what I did, what was wrong, and who was around. I don't remember much more than that except the worry in his voice. I was sad that I worried him, and apologized for bothering him, because I truly love him so much I hated to have caused him distress. That's what people don't understand when people like me want to die. It isn't because we don't love our family and friends that we want to die. It is because we cannot find any love for ourselves, and life without that is unbearable.
So now I am home from the hospital and trying to find a direction to go in that keeps me out of the hospital again. Right now I am not so sure that I am happy with that decision. Its only in those few precious moments that I am not suicidaly depressed that I can see the wisdom in getting the help I need to recover. If depression were the only thing I had to deal with, it would be a little easier; although, I hope no one underestimates the challenges in fighting depression all by itself. I just happen to have a laundry list of diagnosis to contend with. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Military Sexual Trauma, Personality Disorders, Panic Disorders with Agorophobia as an aggravating condition in addition to the Major Depressive Disorder that I have to battle. So not only am I terribly depressed, I have little voices in my head just begging me to jump. ( I see a picture of a guy, on his last leg, with a crowd of drunken sailors screaming "jump, jump, jump", LOL)
This is weird for me, talking to an unkown audience about the things that I consider very personal and private. However, I think this may be the one way I can work out some of the issues I have. I sometimes need very badly to talk, but have no desire to speak. So... etherworld of invisible friends (fits right in with my insanity doesn't it)... today is the first day of the rest of my life: may it not be so terrible afterall.