Friday, September 9, 2011

So What Now?

Yesterday was an upsetting day at the suicide prevention meeting. My therapist was very challenging in her attitude which made me feel even more helpless than I already do. Today, I am feeling like it was meant to challenge me to get out of this funk. Maybe she wasn't being as mean as it felt like she was. I have been suicidal for over a year now, so what I have been doing isn't working. Today I want to come up with some ideas for what I can do today to make my life better. Last night before bed I felt like I had wasted my whole day until I made myself recognize that I had done something other than just exist. I did laundry for one. Yeah I know for most people that is a normal part of life but for me, I wait until I have no other option but to wash clothes or go naked. Usually naked is more preferable anyway, but in this place it isn't an option. So I did do SOMETHING. Now begs the question: what now? What will I do with myself today other than be a stick of furniture at home and dutifully arrive at my doctors appointments on schedule?
I think a list of things may help spur me out of this so here goes.
  • I will put in my teeth (not much but it's something)
  • I will treat myself to the new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor Sweddy Balls (any of you remember that skit on SNL? OMG hillarious!!)
  • I will find out what paperwork I need to fill out to get my divorce for less $$ (ok this one has been on my agenda all week but hasn't been started so I need to do that today)
  • I will not berate myself for getting stood up last night in favor of cattle
  • I will recite my mantra every time I feel overwhelmed (There is nothing that God and I can't handle today)
ok thats five things. It's a start and even though it doesn't look like it's a lot, some of those things seem almost too lofty for goals, and some of them I may not get accomplished, but I am going to promise myself to TRY to do them all. Since I have an hour before the business offices open up I am going to start with my teeth and leave B&J for on the way home from the dr's. I have 2 appt's today: my MST therapist and my mammogram. joy joy joy.

Update: I got my teeth in and I have called the clerk of courts office and know what paperwork I need to file. I have not yet put myself down for getting stood up, having decided that it isn't important enough to get upset over. so now I just need to remember to keep that in mind if I do get down about it, and practice my mantra and find that B&J. GOOD START ALREADY HUH!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

long time no type

i have discovered that sometimes i just don't want to talk. i have also discovered that's those are the worst states of mind for me to be in. lets face it.... sometimes life just sucks. oh well... i have my big girl pants on stand by.
i have had a lot of ups and downs of late. when i am up, i am up above the clouds; but, when i am down, i am six feet under in all but body. my stand up guy and i are engaged to be married. so that explains both conditions. sometimes i feel like he is just working me up for a huge fall with all his promises and the way he describes how the business is going and how perfect our house is going to be. sometimes i wish the world would just get the hell out of the way and let us get on with our lives.
we had plans for this weekend. i have been going out of my head because i haven't had sex in almost 2 weeks now. yea i know that explains a lot. i am terrible when i am sexually denied. so i have asked multiple times if i could come over, if we could get together, i need a good snuggle, etc... there just always seems to be a reason why tonight isn't a good night or what ever. so last night we had a date night. i had asked him over for dinner and a movie rather than go out to a upscale restaurant as he had suggested. i was trying to avoid a panic attack while we were together. so he was supposed to go out and get a package of Cornish hens. first he didn't know what they were (he kept supposing they were just a chicken lol). then he didn't go shopping for them early enough for them to get thawed out in time for dinner. then lastly, he called and asked if we could change plans because there was a concert he wanted to go see at the Watson stage. diamond rio was playing. so of course, we skipped my movie i wanted to see, he got a simple bowl of goulash for dinner with the remnants of a peach cobbler i had made for the family for desert. then rather than leave here for the concert as i had thought (started at 8 and we left here at 7:30), he had to make a side trip to drop some materials off at a job site, and get some gas. we were half an hour late. and we had to park at the outer reaches of the galaxy and walk in to the concert. we got there just in time to see the last 45 minutes of the concert tho. oh yeah, so did 2 of his kids. not that they should have avoided the concert, but family night out at the park just wasn't what i had hoped for in my date night.
it gets better. we left the concert and went to his oldest sons home for a movie. not my movie. and we didn't watch a thing. too much chatter going on, and socializing. it was cool tho. i enjoyed meeting the kids and their children. i enjoyed the whiskey and smoking inside. i enjoyed the low lights and the cuddles (all very innocent of course).  i really enjoyed when it was time to go. i had my overnight bag packed, and was all set for the stay i had been promised all week. so he drives me out to a service station and parks so we can have a chat. where he tells me that he had been confronted earlier that day by members of our church (the junior pastor and his wife).
it seems that they had dropped by his place looking for him, while one of his exes were there looking for him as well, and they had a lovely conversation all about OUR relationship. so my guy was informed by said jr pastor that if we continued in our vile worldly relationship that he would be in jeopardy of getting dismissed from the band and/or ejected from the church. we have been advised to move up our wedding date. i am so pissed. i am angry and depressed all at the same time.  ok i need a break. i will have to finish this another day.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Happy Birthday Dad

He had a really good time today. I worked my tail off and I think it was a success. I made a strawberry shortcake and everyone who ate any was impressed with it. My stand up guy liked it too. LOL for once he didnt stand me up. He took measurements tonight while he was here for my mobile home doors which need replacing. It was a nice night. Dad got out the dvd of his and mom's 40th where I sang for them to dance so that we could enjoy that. My brother did hand stands. Mom poked her head in to say hi. We were well chaperoned. But we did find time for a quiet walk and he sang to me, and we sang together. It was quite romantic. I am really happy that he is going to help me get the trailer back into habitable shape, because once it is I am going to beg madam mayor to come visit with me. I know she will love the chance to fly, and I am hoping that my fortunes will change and I can give her the money to come visit me, hehehe :)
I only just thought about the bad things, which is good. I made it through most of the day without lingering over the bad things. It will soon be 32 years I have lived with the worst bad thing ever, but today when I could have let those thoughts weight me down, I am glad they didn't. Time for bed. Sweet Dreams

Friday, August 12, 2011

I am Soooooo bad

I dont know why it gives me such a lift to be bad. Maybe its my rebel spirit railing against the man, the system, or the church. Hell I dont know. But last night, I got a call from the stand up guy and it just happened to be at a time when I was feeling quite... uhmmm oh hell. I was horney, ok! I wanted and needed attention and he called, so after a bit of phone sex that just didnt quite get the job completely done, I said to hell with it and went over. I still have the wedding file in place, and he still calls me his wife and he is really sorry and blah blah blah, and I don't even care that it was unhealthy for me, because at the time it was exactly what I needed. I ended up spending the night and waking very sated this morning. Hmmmm now I am wondering if I told you who the stand up guy is and why that is his nomenclature.
Ok backing up to the weeks before Independence Day... My pastor told me I should break up with TMWLMD because God had something better in store for me. (I can see anyone who is reading this for the first time shaking their heads and noting that I am truly off my rocker). I cried for days because I love him, but I also know that no matter how much I want to pretend that its different, he isn't right for me. So one of the people at my church was in a position every service to see me clearly, and he constantly smiles at me. I smile all the time at church because I feel good there. So the pastor said I have to break up with my love, and here is this eligible bachelor at church, and my mind goes to thinking that ok this must be the guy who I am supposed to be with. We go on a few coffee dates, and then one night we wind up in a place where we are alone and talking and well... my always hot little nature took over and offered zero resistance when he started getting frisky. Afterwards, we are having some pillow talk (minus the bed and pillow) and we are attempting to reconcile what just happened with our faith, and we came to the instant justification that God put us together to spend the rest of our lives together, and since we had both physically put away our exes (even though mine isn't legal yet), we chose to apply the biblical interpretation of marriage to our situation and decided that he had come as Abraham into the tent and known his wife (ok now you all are vehemently shaking your heads going WTF!!????!!! She is totally LOONEY). Crazy as it sounds, thats what happened. We began making wedding plans to legitimize our spiritual marriage even though I failed to confide that little detail to even my closest friend (sorry Madam Mayor, but I know how you would have reacted... it is firmly established, I am NUTS). However, after this he began failing to keep our dates. Always he had a legitimate reason for standing me up, but it began to be a very sore topic here at home. My dad would make cryptic comments about how he would walk for miles through multiple communities to keep his dates, no matter what happened. Never broke a promise to a girlfriend and NEVER asked his girlfriends to meet him out or come get him, but was always the MAN and went to pick her up like a man ought to.... So that is how he became known in my mind as the stand up guy. The final failure was his standing me up about 15 minutes before I swallowed a bottle of pills. He is like a whooped puppy about that, saying he had no idea how much it hurt me. I almost (I said almost MM) accept that. But last night had nothing to do with any of that. I am not sure we are back on as a couple or not, but this morning.... my libido is satisfied, my spirits are up, and I am not even caring about tomorrow or the day after, I am just enjoying the contentment of right this minute. hehehehe being bad always feels so very good!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


dont you hate those days when you KNOW you should do something.... anything, but cant get off your butt to do any of them? not even the ones that dont require getting up? uggggh. i guess that the cancellation of my dr appt with the suicide prevention counselor  was the beginning of my blahhs for today. i want to go work on my trailer, but so far all i have managed is to do some browsing for small appliances that i dont have the cash to buy, which morphed into a search of hobby lobby for fabric i cant afford either. I need to clean on mom's kitchen, but I walk in and the smell makes me walk back out. I think it's the watermelon wine on the counter that is fast on its way to being watermelon whiskey, but is still in that transitional stage where it just smells foul. oh sure, its just a small matter to pick up the jars, walk out onto the back porch and dump them out, but somehow, i cant seem to make myself do even that. I want to go to TMWLMD's house, but i dont think i am really welcome there right now. he has been very standoffish lately, and i think his comment this morning that he knew i had two or three boyfriends around may be at the bottom of that. I had just made a joke about him clearing out all his other girlfriends so i could come over. I was teasing because i know he isnt the kind to have more than one gf at a time. I wish I could honestly say that I dont have but that wouldnt be truthful and this is the one place I wont lie. I dont love anyone else but him. He wont let me come over very often right now because he has so much going on, and there are so many places he wont allow me to help him in as well. Then there is his nephew who will always come first no matter what. as much as i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i dont think it will work out because of those things. i have had enough of not being first. and i know that as much as sex shouldnt be a huge factor, with me it is. I need more than he can give me, and i will ALWAYS be the one doing all the work with him, since he doesn't have the use of his lower torso and legs. So I have one other place i go for gratification. it is well out of town, and there is almost zero chance of the two of them to ever meet or find out about the other. I do have a couple of male friends locally, but those are friends who are never going to be more than just friends. dear God, how did I get off on this subject? oh well, it is on my mind so it probably needed to come out. And to make things worse, I saw a new pic of my hubby today. he looks like he did 15 years ago except the new deeper lines in his face. I am guessing they are from the 80 hour weeks he has been putting in, but i dont know for sure. i suppose i may have put some of them there. i shouldnt care. i get so mad at myself for wasting emotion on him. all the tears, regrets, or empty wishes wont make him love me like i needed him to. i just wonder how long it will take his new woman to figure it out. or maybe he will truly love her. i dont know if that thought hurts me yet or not, but i think if i let it that maybe it could hollow me out even more than i am already. ok moving on. its raining here now. i think i am going to go take a nap. maybe. if i can get up to go do that.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Small Progress

Progress of any kind feels good. I have put in a few stitches on an angel project that Madam Mayor let me borrow. I would guess about 30 this last week. How wierd is it that right now I want to stitch, but I feel like I can't? It would be as easy as bending down and picking up my project bag at my feet and getting started, but still, I find all kinds of excuses why I can't right now. Yet I am proud of the few stitches I have got in.
A second area of progress is my home. I went down today and spent about an hour there sorting through boxes and stuff. It felt good being there, in the total quiet, even with the heat. I got 4 boxes emptied out. And yes, I am counting the one that was a new box with my rooster canister set in it that I bought earlier this year. I am going about this the hard but correct way as well. I don't just open a box and drag out the contents into a pile and count that as an empty box. I am putting things where they should go when I take them out of the boxes. The hardest part was opening boxes that held memorabilia of the two children I had to leave with their father recently. They were his biological kids, and not any relation to me, but I literally felt gut kicked as I pulled out a tiny feather that the son of my heart gave me from our doves in the front lawn. Then there was the book that my princess in training made in her kindergarden class, with her name meticullously spelled out on the front in the way I had practiced with her at our kitchen table over and over. Unfortunately that ended my forward progress in that area as I took some time to grieve for them. I want so much to hear their little voices tell me once more "I love you Momma".
Not much progress elsewhere I am afraid, except that I got an early start on supper so I wouldnt have to cook tonight. As I sit here trying to eat it, I am not sure whether it is my headache, distress over the children, or the food, but it isn't tasting as good as I had thought it would or as well as the early samplings indicated it should. Such as life. At least it was some progress, and for those small forward steps today I am grateful if a little uneasy waiting for the other foot to fall.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

One Dark Day Defeated

Yesterday was pretty bad huh? Today, I don't know why, but I woke up ok. Not that I slept long... from 4am until 8 with a short nap at 4. But still, I guess it was a small victory that I woke up ok. Another that I slept. And yet another that I didn't do anything stupid. Sometimes a defeated attitude can work in your (or in this case my) favor. I truly think that if I felt that I had a better chance of success than the previous attempt, I would have done something. As it was, I went to see Spider, and talked to him a while. He of course took it entirely wrong when I showed up in my pj's on his doorstep at midnight, but I can't control what he thinks. He swore that I had been out to other places before I got there cause who in their right minds leave their houses at that hour just to go see a man. I had to explain repeatedly that I wasn't going to go see a man, but that I was looking for a friend, and that I wasn't in my right mind or I would have been sleeping and no I didn't need any of his feel good stash that he had there. Geesh... I am fucked up enough without adding chemical enhancements. Now I have a true problem of enormous preportions. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow at 2, but I have no idea which dr or where. That is a problem. Oh well. I did take some sleeping pills tonight to help me go to sleep at a decent time and not have those horrid nightmares. It should be kicking in soon.
Those nightmares would drive anyone crazy. I can hardly believe that with all the trauma I have been through I would dream things so terrible. OK I know that can be hard to follow so let me explain. I could understand if I were the person who was the victim in my dreams as that would mirror reality. What I can't understand is why I am the perpetrator in my dreams and not the victim, but I do things so terrible to other women that it is insane. Things that you would expect to see a mass murderer dream about in some dime store novel with a really sick twist. Not things you would imagine a person with such a quiet demeanor, kind nature, and helpful personality as I would have. I am not tooting my own horn. I am only stating that I am a really nice person, and the kind of friend that everyone would hope to have. But in my dreams I am a sick, twisted, horrible person. There is a word that is very appropriate, but I am having a slow moment and cant spell it. Truly I don't even want to type it in conjunction with describing my personality. I should also qualify that I am a hetrosexual woman and not gay, which is belied by my dreams as well. I am now working myself into a fever of dread hoping that the meds work and I don't dream since I am thinking so much about what I don't want to find in my sleep tonight. So! No more talking about that before bed.
Goodnight Madam Mayor. Sleep well, and may you never suffer from the night terrors that plague me now.