One Dark Day Defeated

Yesterday was pretty bad huh? Today, I don't know why, but I woke up ok. Not that I slept long... from 4am until 8 with a short nap at 4. But still, I guess it was a small victory that I woke up ok. Another that I slept. And yet another that I didn't do anything stupid. Sometimes a defeated attitude can work in your (or in this case my) favor. I truly think that if I felt that I had a better chance of success than the previous attempt, I would have done something. As it was, I went to see Spider, and talked to him a while. He of course took it entirely wrong when I showed up in my pj's on his doorstep at midnight, but I can't control what he thinks. He swore that I had been out to other places before I got there cause who in their right minds leave their houses at that hour just to go see a man. I had to explain repeatedly that I wasn't going to go see a man, but that I was looking for a friend, and that I wasn't in my right mind or I would have been sleeping and no I didn't need any of his feel good stash that he had there. Geesh... I am fucked up enough without adding chemical enhancements. Now I have a true problem of enormous preportions. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow at 2, but I have no idea which dr or where. That is a problem. Oh well. I did take some sleeping pills tonight to help me go to sleep at a decent time and not have those horrid nightmares. It should be kicking in soon.
Those nightmares would drive anyone crazy. I can hardly believe that with all the trauma I have been through I would dream things so terrible. OK I know that can be hard to follow so let me explain. I could understand if I were the person who was the victim in my dreams as that would mirror reality. What I can't understand is why I am the perpetrator in my dreams and not the victim, but I do things so terrible to other women that it is insane. Things that you would expect to see a mass murderer dream about in some dime store novel with a really sick twist. Not things you would imagine a person with such a quiet demeanor, kind nature, and helpful personality as I would have. I am not tooting my own horn. I am only stating that I am a really nice person, and the kind of friend that everyone would hope to have. But in my dreams I am a sick, twisted, horrible person. There is a word that is very appropriate, but I am having a slow moment and cant spell it. Truly I don't even want to type it in conjunction with describing my personality. I should also qualify that I am a hetrosexual woman and not gay, which is belied by my dreams as well. I am now working myself into a fever of dread hoping that the meds work and I don't dream since I am thinking so much about what I don't want to find in my sleep tonight. So! No more talking about that before bed.
Goodnight Madam Mayor. Sleep well, and may you never suffer from the night terrors that plague me now.