blahhhh

dont you hate those days when you KNOW you should do something.... anything, but cant get off your butt to do any of them? not even the ones that dont require getting up? uggggh. i guess that the cancellation of my dr appt with the suicide prevention counselor  was the beginning of my blahhs for today. i want to go work on my trailer, but so far all i have managed is to do some browsing for small appliances that i dont have the cash to buy, which morphed into a search of hobby lobby for fabric i cant afford either. I need to clean on mom's kitchen, but I walk in and the smell makes me walk back out. I think it's the watermelon wine on the counter that is fast on its way to being watermelon whiskey, but is still in that transitional stage where it just smells foul. oh sure, its just a small matter to pick up the jars, walk out onto the back porch and dump them out, but somehow, i cant seem to make myself do even that. I want to go to TMWLMD's house, but i dont think i am really welcome there right now. he has been very standoffish lately, and i think his comment this morning that he knew i had two or three boyfriends around may be at the bottom of that. I had just made a joke about him clearing out all his other girlfriends so i could come over. I was teasing because i know he isnt the kind to have more than one gf at a time. I wish I could honestly say that I dont have but that wouldnt be truthful and this is the one place I wont lie. I dont love anyone else but him. He wont let me come over very often right now because he has so much going on, and there are so many places he wont allow me to help him in as well. Then there is his nephew who will always come first no matter what. as much as i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i dont think it will work out because of those things. i have had enough of not being first. and i know that as much as sex shouldnt be a huge factor, with me it is. I need more than he can give me, and i will ALWAYS be the one doing all the work with him, since he doesn't have the use of his lower torso and legs. So I have one other place i go for gratification. it is well out of town, and there is almost zero chance of the two of them to ever meet or find out about the other. I do have a couple of male friends locally, but those are friends who are never going to be more than just friends. dear God, how did I get off on this subject? oh well, it is on my mind so it probably needed to come out. And to make things worse, I saw a new pic of my hubby today. he looks like he did 15 years ago except the new deeper lines in his face. I am guessing they are from the 80 hour weeks he has been putting in, but i dont know for sure. i suppose i may have put some of them there. i shouldnt care. i get so mad at myself for wasting emotion on him. all the tears, regrets, or empty wishes wont make him love me like i needed him to. i just wonder how long it will take his new woman to figure it out. or maybe he will truly love her. i dont know if that thought hurts me yet or not, but i think if i let it that maybe it could hollow me out even more than i am already. ok moving on. its raining here now. i think i am going to go take a nap. maybe. if i can get up to go do that.