Wednesday, August 3, 2011
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Reminds me of a song from my younger days. I really feel like if I had three steps I would just walk in a circle. I am hoping this bout of depression is just a normal depression that anyone would have but I am afraid it isn't. I am afraid this is a part of my condition and that perhaps the medicine isn't working. I don't know. I haven't been medicated long enough to know and understand what is acceptable with medication and what isn't. Thanks hubby number three. I am to the point I want to worry, but I don't care enough about things to worry. Those of you who know the signs know what I mean. Earlier today I had some bad thoughts. Fleetingly. Just under consideration long enough to come to the pitiful realization that I am such a fuck up any way that I would either screw things up and just be sick, or else that they would find me and stop me again. I am doomed to constant failure at every facet of life. So now I am even more depressed because I know I can't try to kill myself so I have no way out of this shit and I am so fucking tired of being trapped. I am trapped by circumstances, by my parents, by the system, by my finances, by people who really mean well but force me to endure this shit regardless of how helpless I am and how much I hate every breath right now. Each breath is another in this house where I can't fart without everyone hearing it, shit without at least three interruptions, bathe without an audience, and rational thought is obviously impossible because of the constant inundation of sounds. I realized today that the last week has been ok only because I have been escaping to the REC everyday. I didn't go today because of a whole shit storm that happened last night with the guy who wants more than friendship. I didn't blog about that yet, but maybe I will catch up later. Just imagine being in a restaurant with the guy who wants you and having the guy you love call you in trouble and not even caring that you just told him you love him in front of this other guy who will have a fit cause it wasn't him you were speaking to. So now I lost my only escape from the insanity and it is going to be a rough ride trying to hold on for daylight. Not that I want to hold on. I just know that I will screw it up if I try to let go, then I will end up back in the hospital again and I wont be able to have my dog or my stitching and if there is any reason not to use the shotgun in the trunk its because I have to stitch now so I can satisfy charity and I don't want my mom taking care of my dog cause he would be neglected. Damn I hate this dance. Stop the music now please?
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OK neither of my darling daughters have the time to talk to me tonight. I guess the oldest is sleeping or still at work (either is possible) but the youngest was too busy talking to her baby daddy to carry on a conversation with me. I have never ever hung up on her but I did tonight. She hasn't called me back, and I suppose I deserve that, but it would be nice to at least have her recognize that I am in trauma right now and talk to me. Madam Mayor isn't answering her phone either. And for the first time ever, I had an argument with TMWLMD. I asked him this morning to call me as soon as it was ok for me to come over. He called after he was in bed with the doors locked, which meant it was too late for me to come over. I said something about that, and he said well didn't you say a cpl weeks ago that we needed to have some time to think and not see each other for a bit? and I said well yes, but what did I say this morning? So he justified all the reasons I wouldn't have wanted to be with him throughout the day today, none of which were good reasons to me. I told him so too. So then the heart of the matter comes out that he didn't want me there around his nephew who would have objected and gave him a hard time. 'But school starts in a few more days and that will be much better right?'.....well not when I need you right now!! I hear that all the time. I usually dont have hangups about relationships that are purely physical, but for some reason it feels to me like he has to hide me away to see me. He doesn't want to be seen with me. He has to secret me inside after dark and that hurts. Any other guy wouldn't bother me. Heck I am better at the the F's than most guys dream about, and if that was what our relationship was, I could play it out without a hitch. But it isn't.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell, he never understands anyway when I need to vent. He is always pointing out how much worse he has it, and he does. I feel like I am whining about a splinter in my finger to a man who lost his hands. Which makes it all that much worse cause what kind of whimp ass bitch am I anyway who can't handle a little of the common BS that we all have to live with. See!!! I constantly prove my point that I am just a waste of space. And the kid not calling back just reinforces that, because she knows that I NEVER do that, so just that I did hang up on her must have meant that something was really wrong with me, but it was too much of an inconvenience in her night to begin with (as evidenced by her inattention to me trying to talk to her)so my hanging up was a relief.
And PS. Just how pathetic is it that I am here whining to a damn computer about this shit? I wish OMG I wish so hard for someone to turn to right now. not like I want anyone to see me cry, but hey... the stupid laptop wont even offer me a damn tissue
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, I'm so sorry I wasn't home. I'm gonna have to give you my cell phone number!!! You're so not a waste of space, but I'm sure I won't convince you of that. Let me speak to a couple of your other problems first. I'm gonna use initials instead of nicknames, since I know them. As for L, screw her. If she doesn't have time for you, then you don't need her. I understand you needed to talk, and how often do you ask her for anything. I mean, really, you hardly ever ask her for anything, and fifteen minutes to talk is not a lot to ask. She is supposed to care about you, and you're recently out of the hospital. Usually, you just give them whatever they want, and they're gonna have to learn that you have needs too. As for G, good for you for standing up for yourself. He needs to stop acting like he's hiding you away. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You're pretty, intelligent, caring, and kind. He needs to learn something though. It seems like he has it worse than you, but he doesn't. No one ever has it any worse than anyone else. Actually, if you look at it logically, he has it better than you cause he's learned to live with his problems, and you're still struggling with yours. That means that you have it harder than him, imho. If he can't understand that you're struggling and he's making it worse, then screw him too. You spend so much of your time caring for others, you don't spend any time caring for yourself. As for the other L, he'll learn if you keep reiterating it to him. You have to stay strong and keep telling him, "We're just friends," and eventually, he will get it. If I had some money, I'd give it to you so you could move out. But I have none. Or just enough to live, and not enough left over every month to pay your rent too. I'm so sorry I can't help you out. If I come into a windfall, I will definitely help you out though. I'm saving so you can have your vacation come October. At least you'll be out of that house for a little while. If you go in your room and close the door, does that get rid of the noise, or no? Heck, I think you should go back to Rec. Even if L is there, you can handle one of him as opposed to three or more of your family. And it's much nicer to be in a supportive environment than it is to be in the bosom of your family. I don't think they care what you need. They're only thinking of what they want. And that's really sad, but you can get past that. You are so much better than you give yourself credit for. They are driving your self esteem into the dirt. I'm not saying they're doing it on purpose, but they ARE doing it. You need a quiet, supportive environment, and someone who cares about you to help you through the worst of it. If you have to pack everything up and move in with a friend, then do it. Because the place where you are is making you worse, and not better. I know you have friends that would be happy to take you in and who would care for you as tenderly as they would one of their own. Try and remember you are loved. I know you don't have a lot of friends, but you do have some friends who will be good to you and love you like you deserve to be loved.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know the right man is out there somewhere, and you will meet him someday. You just have to hang in there and find the strength to live out each and every day. You need to build a good support system. Next time you start feeling bad, and you can't reach me or someone else sympathetic, call your doc's office. I'm sure they have an on call service that would help you. Or find a hotline. There are multiple ones out there. It's not the same as having a good friend, but still, it is better than nothing. I'm gonna email you an agreement, and I want you to sign it for me. I will send you my phone number too, and then you can call me if I'm out. That way you can reach out anytime I'm not sleeping, KK? I hope you're doing well tonight. I talked to you twice today, and you seemed to be doing better, so hopefully, you're feeling better now, and not so depressed and down on yourself. I don't see that there's anything pathetic in talking to your computer or blog either. I do it often myself, and for the same reason you do it. I don't have anyone to talk to either. I call you or my other friend Julie, but that doesn't take up much time. I talk to my mom for a few minutes a day too, but that also is short. So I talk to my blog. I comment on other people's blogs, and I do lots of emails. It keeps me feeling connected to the world. In that way, I feel like I would be missed were I not here. I'm just more comfortable in my skin than you are right now, and I'll tell you why. I have a great support system. You need to get yourself a therapist and get a relationship with her. You need to talk to people who work at NR and ask them how to go about building a support system. You need to know that other people need you. You're a part of my support system. And I've finally decided that I don't care if you're sleeping or not, if I need you, I'm gonna call. Or if you're busy. I know that you have a mouth, and you can tell me, I wanna go back to sleep. Or, I'm busy. Can I call you back? I don't worry near as much about bothering you as I used to. This is partly because I feel the need to check up on you more now. And partly because I think you have the backbone to say no to me if you really don't have time for me. It won't devastate me if you don't have time, because I'm much healthier than you are. And, btw, we're soon gonna have a real serious talk about you putting yourself down. It's not helpful to you, and just because you happen to see it that way at the moment, doesn't mean you believe it either. You don't like me saying I can be a dork or an idiot sometimes, so imagine how I feel hearing you call yourself useless and a waste of space. I have a use for you. You're a big part of my support system. I know you can't exist for that alone, but I also know you need someone to need you. So I'm telling you, your dog isn't the only one. Now that I've strained blogger to it's limit on comment size, I'm gonna close with I love you and I hope you're having peaceful dreams tonight. LOL, blogger wouldn't post my whole comment. I had to split it into two parts, lol.
ReplyDelete