I am Soooooo bad

I dont know why it gives me such a lift to be bad. Maybe its my rebel spirit railing against the man, the system, or the church. Hell I dont know. But last night, I got a call from the stand up guy and it just happened to be at a time when I was feeling quite... uhmmm oh hell. I was horney, ok! I wanted and needed attention and he called, so after a bit of phone sex that just didnt quite get the job completely done, I said to hell with it and went over. I still have the wedding file in place, and he still calls me his wife and he is really sorry and blah blah blah, and I don't even care that it was unhealthy for me, because at the time it was exactly what I needed. I ended up spending the night and waking very sated this morning. Hmmmm now I am wondering if I told you who the stand up guy is and why that is his nomenclature.
Ok backing up to the weeks before Independence Day... My pastor told me I should break up with TMWLMD because God had something better in store for me. (I can see anyone who is reading this for the first time shaking their heads and noting that I am truly off my rocker). I cried for days because I love him, but I also know that no matter how much I want to pretend that its different, he isn't right for me. So one of the people at my church was in a position every service to see me clearly, and he constantly smiles at me. I smile all the time at church because I feel good there. So the pastor said I have to break up with my love, and here is this eligible bachelor at church, and my mind goes to thinking that ok this must be the guy who I am supposed to be with. We go on a few coffee dates, and then one night we wind up in a place where we are alone and talking and well... my always hot little nature took over and offered zero resistance when he started getting frisky. Afterwards, we are having some pillow talk (minus the bed and pillow) and we are attempting to reconcile what just happened with our faith, and we came to the instant justification that God put us together to spend the rest of our lives together, and since we had both physically put away our exes (even though mine isn't legal yet), we chose to apply the biblical interpretation of marriage to our situation and decided that he had come as Abraham into the tent and known his wife (ok now you all are vehemently shaking your heads going WTF!!????!!! She is totally LOONEY). Crazy as it sounds, thats what happened. We began making wedding plans to legitimize our spiritual marriage even though I failed to confide that little detail to even my closest friend (sorry Madam Mayor, but I know how you would have reacted... it is firmly established, I am NUTS). However, after this he began failing to keep our dates. Always he had a legitimate reason for standing me up, but it began to be a very sore topic here at home. My dad would make cryptic comments about how he would walk for miles through multiple communities to keep his dates, no matter what happened. Never broke a promise to a girlfriend and NEVER asked his girlfriends to meet him out or come get him, but was always the MAN and went to pick her up like a man ought to.... So that is how he became known in my mind as the stand up guy. The final failure was his standing me up about 15 minutes before I swallowed a bottle of pills. He is like a whooped puppy about that, saying he had no idea how much it hurt me. I almost (I said almost MM) accept that. But last night had nothing to do with any of that. I am not sure we are back on as a couple or not, but this morning.... my libido is satisfied, my spirits are up, and I am not even caring about tomorrow or the day after, I am just enjoying the contentment of right this minute. hehehehe being bad always feels so very good!